Emotional issues

Approximately 90% of all birth mothers who are considering adoption, do so with some degree of emotional pain and indecision.

A woman who is pregnant, or has already had her baby, is faced with several realities.  She will either have to terminate her pregnancy or carry the baby to term.  Then, if she has carried the baby to term, she will have to raise the child herself, raise the child with the birth father, let family or friends raise the child, place the child in foster care, or place the child for adoption.  Any and all of these decisions have a life long impact on the birth mother, the birth father, and on the child.  And all of the decisions carry with them significant emotion impact.

For some birth mothers the decision to place a child for adoption is reached quickly because it is obvious to her that her emotional, physical, and financial places in life do not allow her to care for the child in the way she would want.  Maybe her school or work situation does not lend itself to parenting a child at this time.  Or the situation with the birth father is far from what the birth mother would really like in a relationship.  Or this is an unexpected or unwanted pregnancy.  Or the birth mother does not have the financial resources to give her child what she believes the child needs and deserves.  The list could go on and on since there are in fact many good reasons for a birth mother and birth father to decide on adoption.

For other birth mothers and birth fathers the decision to place a child for adoption is not reached quickly or easily but only after much soul searching and a great deal of emotional pain.

Even after the decision to place the child for adoption has been made, emotional turmoil and depression are common.  In many cases it continues through the placement, through the ending of parental rights, and sometimes for a significant period of time afterward.

It is important to recognize that doubts, concern, and even depression are common feelings accompanying pregnancy, the birth of a child and the adoption process.  Help with these emotional issues can usually be obtained from the adoption agency the birth mother is working with or from a psychologist or other mental  health care provider.

The professional staff at Adoption Services is available to talk with you and provide help.  You can also contact Dr Berger  24-hours/day 7-days a week.  Dr. Berger is the Adoption Services Agency Director and a PhD psychologist with 40 years of experience helping others like you.

The most common emotional responses of a birth mother who has placed, or is considering placing, her child for adoption are indecision depression, and guilt.   However, a birth mother or birth father may typically experience other emotional responses as well.

Emotional Responses to Adoption Placement

Grieving the Loss of the Child.  Placing a child for adoption can cause a significant sense of loss. This sense of loss begins with the pregnancy itself as the expectant mother comes to accept the reality of the pregnancy.  Most struggle with the decision to place the child for adoption; those who decide to do so begin to plan for a loss in their own lives with the knowledge that placing the child for adoption will result in a better life for their baby and for themselves.

The actual physical separation usually occurs soon after the birth of the child, but in some cases it does not take place until months later.  Many circumstances can have an impact on the birth parent's feelings at the time, including mixed feelings about the adoption placement, support from other family members and the other birth parent, and whether the planned adoption is an open or closed adoption. The actions of the agency personnel (if an agency is involved), as well as those of the adoption attorney, adoptive parents, hospital personnel, and physician can all affect the feelings of the birth mother and father as they proceed through the process of the adoption and the termination of their own parental rights.

The birth and the actual surrendering of the baby may prompt feelings of numbness, shock, and denial, as well as grief, in the birth parents. All of these feelings are normal reactions to loss. This particular type of loss is different from a loss through death, however, because there is rarely a public acknowledgment, and friends and family of the birth parents may attempt to ignore the loss by pretending that nothing has happened. In some cases, the secrecy surrounding the pregnancy and adoption may make it difficult for birth parents to seek out and find support as they grieve their loss.

When birth parents first deal with their loss, the grief may be expressed as denial. The denial serves as a buffer to shield them from the pain of the loss. This may be followed by sorrow or depression as the loss becomes more real. Anger and guilt may follow, with anger sometimes being directed at those who helped with the adoption placement. The final phases, those of acceptance and resolution, refer not to eliminating the grief permanently but to integrating the loss into ongoing life.

Grieving Other Losses. Placing a child for adoption may also cause other (secondary) losses, which may add to the grief that birth parents feel. No one fantasizes about having a baby and then giving it up, so expectant parents who are planning to place the child for adoption may grieve for the loss of their parenting roles. They may grieve for the person their child might have become as their son or daughter. These feelings of loss may re-emerge in later years, for instance, on the child's birthday, or when the child is old enough to start school or to reach other developmental milestones.

Additional losses may occur as a result of the pregnancy and placement. In some cases, the birth mother loses her relationship with the birth father under the stress of the pregnancy, birth, and subsequent placement decision. The birth parents may also lose relationships with their own parents, whose disappointment or disapproval may be accompanied by a lack of support. In extreme cases, the birth mother may need to leave her parents and her home. The birth mother may lose her place in the educational system or in the workplace as a result of the pregnancy. Birth parents may also lose friends who are not supportive of either the pregnancy or the decision to place the child for adoption.

Guilt and Shame. Birth parents may experience guilt and shame for having placed their child for adoption, since societal values still to often reflect a lack of understanding of the circumstances that might prompt birth parents to make an adoption plan for their child. At first, there may be shame associated with the unplanned pregnancy itself and with admitting the situation to parents, friends, co-workers, and others. Shame about the pregnancy may lead to feelings of unworthiness or incompetence about becoming a parent. Once the child is born, the decision to place the child for adoption may prompt new feelings of guilt about "rejecting" the child, no matter how thoughtful the decision or what the circumstances of the adoption.

The shame and guilt felt by birth parents is often supported by the secrecy surrounding the adoption process. Thus, keeping the pregnancy a secret, maintaining secrecy throughout the adoption proceedings, and then treating the experience as unimportant may promote a feeling of shame in birth parents, since the pregnancy and adoption are not even discussed. Birth parents who can discuss their feelings with supportive friends, family members, or professional counselors may more easily come to terms with their decision over time and be able to integrate the experience into their lives.

Identity Issues. Placing a child for adoption may trigger self-esteem and identity issues in some birth parents. They may wonder, "Am I a parent?" Some birth parents may experience a sense of incompleteness, because they are parents without a child. Generally, their status as parents is not acknowledged among family and friends. If the birth parents go on to have other children whom they raise, this may also affect how the birth parents view their own identity, as well as that of all their children.

Long-Term Issues. Many birth parents continue to mourn the loss of their child throughout their lifetime, but with varying intensity. For instance, birth parents may continue to track the milestones of their child's life by imagining birthday parties, first days of school, graduation, and more. Some birth parents experience longstanding grief, that is, grief that lasts a very long time and may continue to actually interfere with a birth parent's life.

Gaining Control and Resolution

Acceptance of the loss and working through the grief does not mean that birth parents forget their birth child and never again feel sorrow or regret for the loss. Rather, it means that they are able to move forward with their lives and to integrate this loss into their ongoing lives.

Birth parents should seek out friends, support groups of other birth parents, or understanding counselors in order to have a safe place to communicate their feelings. Being able to openly share feelings can be helpful in moving through the stages of grief and achieving some resolution.

Birth parents may find that they need more support than family and friends can offer, or they may be unable to move forward in the grieving process. In such cases, professional counseling may help the birth parent make progress in dealing with the grief or may reassure the parent that such feelings are normal. A psychologist or other counselor should be able to help a birth parent replace unrealistic fantasy with reality, to acknowledge what has happened, and to heal.

Birth parents should look for counselors who have significant experience with adoption and with bereavement. Referrals for counselors may come from friends, birth parent support groups, or from the adoption agency or attorney who helped with the adoption.

While the birth parent will never forget the child, it is important that the birth parent adapts to the new circumstances and comes to terms with any regret. When birth parents are able to integrate the loss into their lives and gain some feeling of control, they can then move on to deal with whatever else life presents to them.

The above information has been adapted from the Child Welfare Information Gateway factsheet Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents.

As mentioned above, the professional staff at Adoption Services is available to talk with you and provide help.  You can also contact Dr Berger   24-hours/day 7-days a week.